You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize
