i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
