god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
