Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
