Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
