you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
