Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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