seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
