Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
i think i just lost a toe
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
