So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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