I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize