Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
