dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
