guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
