My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
