you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
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