why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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