girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
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