I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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