Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
We left the knife in your bed.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
