maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Can you bring me the toilet please
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
