you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
