But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
