Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Randomize
