My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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