I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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