Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
We got so high we made milksteak
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
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