I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
