he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
