At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
