I'm sorry my penis didn't work
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
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