What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
