I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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