He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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