i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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