i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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