i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
