She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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