Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
