he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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