Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
