they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
