so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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