I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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