Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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