Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
