He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
