My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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