I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
