saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
