It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
