You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Randomize
