I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
