I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
This is classic penis vs brain.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
