i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
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